For my friend Prachi

I’m clumsy. As long as I can think, I’ve lost things. And it always left me back with this uncomfortable feeling of shame.

Why couldn't I avoid it? Why couldn't I be more careful? What's wrong with me? 

As long as I can think, I’ve lost things

I’ve lost my keys only one day after moving into a new apartment.  It cost me a vast amount of money to get back in. During a relocation, I’ve lost important copies of personal documents,  because their proper organization in advance didn't appeal to me as a sexy activity against other free-time activities. However, consulting the German embassy or going through uncomfortable authority calls to explain my carelessness was in hindsight even less appealing. Not to mention the costs it produced (again). I’ve lost money. I’ve lost jewelry, hot-water-bottles, my favorite stuffed animals, and I’ve walked many miles through the rain as I’ve lost an immeasurable number of umbrellas. 

I was kind of a mess of helplessness and Despair

I’ve lost my phone on my first solo trip to Valencia, miles away from my hotel, and with absolutely no idea where I am. It probably fell off my bicycle basket. However, it's the moment you realize how dependent you've already become of a tiny little device in your pocket. To find my way back home to the hotel, I ended up at a Catalonian police office. The officer and I were both talking with hands and feet as well as with the help of Google-translate. I was kind of a mess of helplessness and despair. Of course, I neither spent a thought in advance about whether this could happen nor did I have a back-up plan in case it actually would happen. Long story short I didn't get my phone back and I had to accept the fact that it died lonely in a foreign country; At least under palm trees, that's for sure. It was dying with all my memories caught in pictures on my phone, many of them which I never saved on my computer because I procrastinated this simple action over and over again. It was painful and it's a no brainer that my holiday turned into a nightmare of problem-solving as a result. 

I’ve lost my health. The kind of health i was used to.

I’ve lost money. I've lost it to guys who would emotionally abuse me because I would let them. I would let them because I would fear the loss of something that I didn't realize is beneficial to lose. I’ve lost relationships and close family members and with that my naivety.  I’ve also lost my health to some weird bladder condition we’ve never found an answer to. And the year it finally started to get better a global pandemic took over,  which brought back all the troubles I hoped to have left behind. When writing this I’m sitting in an overpriced 30 square meter apartment in Stockholm hiding from people that couldn't care less about each other's health. I was “lucky” enough to catch a slight cough back in March and struggled to recover from that. Even worse it became an up and down of scary symptoms that are described by COVID-longterm-patients and that force me to stay in my bed and stick to a dry-bread diet added with some supplements as my body reacted allergically to basically everything I eat for quite a while. The slightest sunlight burns my skin and my eyes are bloody. Vampire style at its best. How I got there: Well this story would fill books, but what matters is that I’ve lost my health. the kind of health I was used to. And with that, I lost access to my hobbies. I’ve started singing lessons in winter. I couldn't sing anymore because my throat was constantly swollen. I couldn't go for photo walks anymore as I would blackout once I had left the bed. I couldn't cook or order tasty meals as usual, as whatever ingredient was hiding in my food, it could bring me back to the emergency with an anaphylactic shock. But not only that. The inactivity made me lose my athletic skills which I developed under effort, tears but also joy for over two decades. My dancer skills, e.g. the flexibility and jumping strength I had to do those fun gymnastic things like a backflip or aerial. The endurance that would make me run a half-marathon and now doesn't allow me to walk more than 400m without a break. It was my pride and I lost it, too...

Loss provides you with a blank canvas to create something beautiful

I’ve lost the illusion of people being inherently good-willed towards each other, and hence I’ve lost the motivation to measure up to external expectations. There was no point in measuring up to something that is not in alignment with my values and beliefs. And it set me free for the first time in my life. I’ve lost almost everything a human can lose. I've lost it over and over again. I’ve practiced loss, as I practiced my dancing skills once upon a time. Loss is ok. I guess, coping with loss is the most important skill one can possibly learn. But it is like with everything. You learn by doing, not by avoiding and hiding from pain. You need to go through it. You need to get your ass out there and take it in your own hands. Where there is loss there is space to create. It's a blank canvas and you decide how you design your most authentic life. I committed to loss to become the most authentic me I can be, even if it means that I lose more people that wouldn't support my attitudes. I would speak up for what I believe in. I would feel comfortable with rejection and I would finally live an adventurous, fulfilled life despite all circumstances. Loss is an adventure itself. It's the perspective that matters. When everything you believe defines you is gone, what is left over? What can you still do? I’ve asked myself "Why did it hurt"? and "Why did it not"? I asked myself "Why did I care"? or "Why did I feel I indifferent?" And then most importantly: "What is in my power to actively change it"? This way I found my voice as a writer, my artistic creativity, and my untiring ability to adapt. There was never something wrong with me from the beginning. In fact, there were a lot of things right. Loss becomes power, once you’ve learned to cope with the consequences. 

Loss is ok.

_____

I’ve written this article to support the project of my dear friend @prachimehta.co who started the #LossIsOk campaign. Please visit her beautiful museum of memories via https://www.lossisokay.com and share it with the world.

It cost me some courage to do the emotional strip tease and allow for more vulnerability than I’m used to. But as you know I’m challenging myself to do #OneScaryThingADay. I really appreciate Prachis work, which gives people out there the chance to open up and makes them realize that - at the core - we are all united by our experiences. I’m grateful to have friends who engage in activities to create a better society for people around the world.